It's Been Awhile......

and life continues. Of all the words I could speak, there are but a few that have continued to ring true. And that is that He is Enough. He is ENOUGH! When you drop your gummy bear in the dirt, He is enough. When you fall UP the stairs and scrape your knee, He is enough. When someone slams their car door into yours in the Wal-Mart parking lot, He is enough. When you lose the bracelet your grandmother left to you, He is enough. When friendships change, He is enough. When you realize that you have but $11 in your bank account, He is enough. When you lose a friend.....when you lose family, He is enough. When you experience loss so great even grieving seems impossible, He is enough. When your heart breaks as you experience pain for those you love....and you feel hopeless to change it, He is enough. When you wonder and question and worry- He is enough. He is enough. He is ENOUGH!

Precious....and Important.

"Mr. Ron, Miss Debbie is gon' need to be careful. You see, when you is precious to God you become important to the devil. Watch your back, Mr. Ron. Somethin' bad gettin' ready to happen to Miss Debbie. The thief comes in the night."

I recently read an incredible book that tells the true story of an unlikely friendship between a homeless man and a wealthy art dealer that blossomed into a relationship that brought healing to both....and to many others along the way. Check it out if you haven't read it- it is called Same Kind of Different as Me and can be found here: http://www.samekindofdifferentasme.com/ . The picture here is of it's two authors who are also the main characters in the story....the ones between whom the conversation above is occurring...

As I have continued on my own journey since reading this book, I have often found myself returning to it's pages as I am reminded continually of the little tidbits of wisdom found in its chapters. The statement above is no exception.

I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of a wonderful church family here at Fellowship Bible Church of Northwest Arkansas. Recently, we embarked on a 50-day journey called Draw Near. It is one during which we each commit, to the Lord and to each other, to taking time each of the following 50 days to intentionally connect with the Lord. This is done through personal study of Scripture, prayer, worship, and meeting together in community- of which I have recently been reminded is a non-negotiable in the discipleship process.

We are currently about two weeks into this journey, and I have loved hearing about and reading the stories of the individuals who have chosen to throw their lives into this challenge. James 4:8 tells us that if we draw near to God He will draw near to us...and this, my friends, is what is happening. The Lord is faithful, and I can not wait to continue this adventure!

Something else has been brought to my attention throughout the past week. As I have listened to the stories of those who have decided to draw near, there are several threads that I believe have been woven into the fabric of this experience. I have heard about growing faith, restoring repentance, and overwhelming joy. I have experienced true worship, authentic community, and incredible love. However, there is also a thread that I have become painstakingly aware of that was not expected. One that was not asked for. And one....to be honest....I wish did not have a place in this experience.

The thread: pain. Amidst the incredible mountain-top stories of triumph and joy, several valleys have been deepened. Valleys that tell the stories of sickness, betrayal, loss, and hopelessness. Of persecution. Of desertion. Of pain. And while it is not my natural tendency to focus on the valleys, I have realized that, during this experience- these stories are just as important! You see, I believe what Denver said. That "when you is precious to God, you become important to the devil." While I do not claim to know whether these new struggles and hurts have arisen due to the church's "preciousness" to God as we attempt to Draw Near, I would suggest that maybe- just maybe- the devil sees something going on in NWA that he does not like. That scares the pee out of him. Just maybe. And that, my friends, may be the most incredible story of all!

As I have had several conversations regarding this the past few days, both with great friends and within my own mind, I have also come to realize something greater. Could these valleys, this unwanted thread, be a test of our faith...a test whose results will prove a genuine faith, one that will result in nothing but the praise, honor, and glory of our Father? 1 Peter 1:6-7 says:

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Shoot- if this is the truth, then let's party on! Let's rejoice in the trials ahead. Let's jump at the chance to make the devil pee his pants when he realizes his fire will only refine us further. If we are tired of singing, let's worship anyway! If we are tired of praying, let's pray anyway! If our eyes are so tired from crying that we just don't think we can keep them open any longer- let's jump into His Word anyway! And when we do, we may do so with the confidence that comes from knowing He will meet us where we are...from knowing that He will, indeed, draw near.

Limping...with a full heart.

ajfjialskjdfhsniocelksht. ajlificnallisrthslsorng. Precisely. Do you ever feel like your heart is just going to explode? Like there is just so much that you want to share.....that you wish you could somehow transfer into the hearts of those you love just so they could know the passion with which you are living this very moment? Because I wish.......I wish that you could be living inside my heart right now. Yes, you. Because there is something I want you to know. To feel. And to wrap your life around.

Many circumstances in the past year of my life have been.....well, a little tricky. Uncertain. Unstable. But tonight, that is so not the point. Looking back, and looking inward, I have realized that the hardest thing to accept is not the situational predicaments of this past year. No, it is the way in which I have succumbed to the fear and anxiety in response to these events. These are often the most difficult hurdles to jump, and the ones whose injuries cut the deepest. I have struggled silently for far too long with this fear- with this lack of faith that has proved detrimental to my friendships, my family relationships, and most importantly...my relationship with the Lord.

But the hang-ups that my struggle with this anxiety has caused are not the point. You see, I've come to realize that the pain is never the point. Nope. The point...the amazing point that has captured my heart, brought me to tears and invited me to sing, is that the freedom and grace that is offered through the Lord's redemption so much bigger than my pain. SO much bigger than my anxiety. Than my fear.

The truth is, all of us are walking with a distinctive limp toward the finish line. We have all been broken, bruised, and have dealt with hidden struggles. There are times when we all wonder if we will make it. Honestly, there have been times in the past year when even a limp has been impossible for me. And there have been times that the Lord has extended His hand to me- and I have rejected it. But the incredible truth that I have come to realize is that He will never stop reaching down for me. And when I finally decide to muster enough strength to lift my hand up to His, the strength and peace that are offered overcome my heart and I realize that I have been doing it all wrong. I am not meant to limp alone.

I have been limping alone for far too long. This is it- my solo travels end here. I have finally realized that we are all broken, that this is ok, and that He is bigger. He is bigger! And the strength that comes from believing that...truly believing that is overpowering. I invite you to recognize with me that it is ok that we are limping. But more than that, I invite you to reach up and take the hand that is waiting for you...and I pray that your heart is just as captivated as mine.

Clenched Tight

Tonight has left me feeling a little melancholy.  Why do things have to be the way they are?  Why the heartache…the brokenness…the insecurities?  The torn relationships?  Just…..why?  Generally I could convince myself to see the brighter side- to focus on the positive.  But tonight, I cling to nothing but the truth that the Lord is in control- and when all is said and done, I will be dancing with Him in eternity.

The truth is, tonight, I am hurt.  By situations that turned out differently than I planned.  By relationships that have turned out differently than I planned.  By words, constantly played over and over again in my mind….most of which may not have even been intended to hurt.  Still, my heart aches.  I’m frustrated by the pressure of expectations and knowing that no matter how hard I try, I will never fulfill them all.  I will always be failing in some aspect- I will always be letting somebody down.  Disappointing someone.  Frustrating someone. 

I am a girl that struggles with letting go.  With letting others down.  With admitting that I am not in control, and that I can not do it on my own.  With admitting that I simply can’t do it all- and that really, I don’t want to do it all.   I will hold my fists clenched tight until each finger is pulled away.  Even at that, I will grasp wildly with any last effort to retain my grip on anything I can.  I…am stubborn.

The irony is that in my seemingly never-ending quest for change and adventure, I have discovered that it is change I struggle with most of all.  Hurts, changing relationships, words spoken, new challenges, and personal failures- all things I struggle with opening my fists for.

I just re-read my previous post a few minutes ago, and decided to repost some of it here.   I need a reminder…

The truth is, life is rarely what we think it is.  I've learned to laugh at myself- to laugh at the thought that I have ever felt in control.  That I have thought it is all about me.  Because the reality is- I am no more in control of my life than the Royals are going to win the world series.  Right?  And you know what?  I am ok with that.  Truly, honestly, 110%, lickety-split, finger-lickin good to the last drop ok with that.  Have I always been ok with that?  Definitely not.  Will I be ok with that tomorrow?  I pray to the Lord for strength enough to lay my life at His feet.  

 Because you see, the buck doesn't stop with me.  There is more.  There is so much more.  And fortunately, the One who is in control has a panoramic view.  And knowing that He has a panoramic view- knowing that He sees my heart and knows exactly what I need...knowing that His purpose, His plans, and His story are greater than anything I could ever fathom- makes it ok.  

 If there is one thing in life we can be certain of, it is uncertainty. What's incredible is that even in the midst of our uncertainty, we can be Certain that there is One who is certain about all.....and that He is the One who holds our lives in His hands.  

 A friend reminded me of this verse in an email this week.  It could not be more true:

 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

 And what I've realized lately is that I am so beyond grateful that it is the Lord who determines my steps.  That it is He who charts the course.  Because even if I don't have a panoramic lens,  I am constantly amazed at His ability to outplan me.  To provide.  And to create a story greater than any I could create on my own.   So go ahead.  Embrace the uncertainty with a smile on your face and with open arms......and cling to the truth that you, my friend, are being held by the One who will never let go. 

Honestly, tonight I am struggling to be ok with this.  I am here with clenched fists and a heavy heart. But still, I cling to that truth.  That I AM being held by the One who will NEVER let go.  Who will NEVER leave……who will love me in spite of my failures and use my failures for His glory.  And I pray that He will pry open my hands and take it- take it all!  And I pray that He will replace it with His plan…and that His story will be my purpose, regardless of who I may let down on this earth.  Because His story, my friends, is enough.  Is more than enough.  He is more than enough!  

The Certainty of Uncertainty...

It's funny how much joy can come from something small.   Yesterday, I was lucky enough to get to have lunch with my cousin at a local Mexican restaurant.  As we were dishing out the cash for our Mexican feast, we noticed an unusual old-school vending machine.  You know- 25 cents and a quarter turn to the right......and voila!  A prize so great it will warm even the coldest of hearts. The peculiarity of this particular machine rested in it's contents.  No, there were no gumballs to be found.  No plastic rings in sight.  This machine was boasting something greater.  I searched frantically through my wallet for the necessary monetary means, and as I pulled a quarter from my purse, my face crinkled until I couldn't help but smile.  Money in.....a quarter turn to the right....and.........

I was amazed.  Dumbfounded.  Overwhelmed by the ingeniousness of the idea. Who knew that you could change your entire look with just 50 cents?  Nea was next...

Incredible.  These little mustaches have brought joy to my heart and let me drop my guard a little after a few crazy weeks.  I will cherish them always.  :)

The past few weeks have been a little crazy indeed.   A blur.  Yet there are immeasurable amounts of details from recent events that I can not remove from my mind.  Words....faces.....voices.....surroundings.  Ah, life sure is a conundrummy conundrum, isn't it? 

The truth is, life is rarely what we think it is.  I've learned to laugh at myself- to laugh at the thought that I have ever felt in control.  That I have thought it is all about me.  Because the reality is- I am no more in control of my life than the Royals are going to win the world series.  Right?  And you know what?  I am ok with that.  Truly, honestly, 110%, lickety-split, finger-lickin good to the last drop ok with that.  Have I always been ok with that?  Definitely not.  Will I be ok with that tomorrow?  I pray to the Lord for strength enough to lay my life at His feet.  

Because you see, the buck doesn't stop with me.  There is more.  There is so much more.   And fortunately, the One who is in control has a panoramic view.  And knowing that He has a panoramic view- knowing that He sees my heart and knows exactly what I need...knowing that His purpose, His plans, and His story are greater than anything I could ever fathom- makes it ok.  

If there is one thing in life we can be certain of, it is uncertainty. What's incredible is that even in the midst of our uncertainty, we can be Certain that there is One who is certain about all.....and that He is the One who holds our lives in His hands.  

A friend reminded me of this verse in an email this week.  It could not be more true:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

And what I've realized lately is that I am so beyond grateful that it is the Lord who determines my steps.  That it is He who charts the course.  Because even if I don't have a panoramic lens,  I am constantly amazed at His ability to outplan me.  To provide.  And to create a story greater than any I could create on my own.   So go ahead.  Embrace the uncertainty with a smile on your face and with open arms......and cling to the truth that you, my friend, are being held by the One who will never let go. 

 

Hug.

A friend passed this on to me today.....and it so resonated with my heart.  Thought I'd pass it on too...

I read about how you touched them and they were healed...

Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed.
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears...
And you washed your best friend’s feet.
I am just wondering though-did you just ever hug people?

I mean, I know that it is a silly question and all... I am sure you would have. Why wouldn’t you?
But its one of those things that was never mentioned, and that got me thinking about it.

And how whenever there was a touch from you,  sins were forgiven and sickness fell. 
I know you have forgiven my sins, and the last time I checked all my body parts were properly working. Nothing special here.
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets.

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything...
because all I really need is a hug. 
That is ok for me to imagine right?
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology, is it?
Ok good... then hug me.

But not one of these sideways one arm around the neck type hugs....
Or the ghetto right-hand, clasp-fists, elbows to chest, pit pat on the back-back kind of hug...
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing.
Nah, none of those

Bear Hug Me!

Take your old-school carpenter arms...and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere to where I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard.

And just hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry.... because
I WANT to cry... but I just can’t seem to do it on my own.
I have even been teary eyed recently, but not even enough for a drip down my cheek.
There's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged...so hug me....and hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and I am Yours. 

-Bradley Hathaway

Am I toothpaste?

This week has been a crazy blur.  Insane busyness, blessed conversations, and lots of learning.  Tonight, I was reminded of an illustration I used a few years ago while teaching about the condition of the heart.  It may be a little cheesy, but bear with me here...

So much of our society these days is consumed with image- how we appear to those around us. What we look like, how we act- how we are perceived.  And whether we realize it or not, most of us probably have an image in our minds of how we would like to be perceived by others.  Beautiful?  Popular?  Athletic?  Generous? Powerful?  These are just a few things.  We may even alter the way we dress, the way we speak, the careers we choose or the people we surround ourselves with in order to be perceived in a certain way.  The way that we think we should be perceived....the way we want to be perceived.   

Of course, there is nothing wrong with perception in and of itself, it is only natural to discern characteristics of others based on their behaviors.  The trouble arises when we decide that how we are perceived is more important than who we truly are.  When the focus becomes the external rather than the internal.  You see, it is possible for a time to convince others that we are something other than what we are.  The key is...for a time.

Take a tube of toothpaste for example.  It looks like a tube of toothpaste.  It comes in a box that says toothpaste on it.  Heck, it even says toothpaste right on the tube!  Why would you believe there was anything but toothpaste inside that tube?  But what if....when you squeezed that tube....mud came out?  Well obviously if that really happened it would freak me out- I mean seriously who would want to brush their teeth with mud?  

While it's a silly example, this is life.  It is so easy for us to get caught up in our image- in what we appear to be rather than who we actually are.  You see, we may want everyone to think we are toothpaste.  We may look like it, feel like it, and act like it.  But inevitably there will come a time when we are squeezed....when we are tested, and the mud that is really inside our tube will come out.  

I know I sound crazy talking about toothpaste, but the picture is so clear to me. It's like this with my heart.  I want to be the real deal.  I don't want to just say that I love the Lord....that I want to follow Him.....and that He is my everything.  I want my heart to be pure.  Generous.  Giving.  When I am squeezed, when I am tested- I want nothing but His love to pour out.  My desire is that I would be able to say without hesitation... as Paul said..."Follow Me as I follow Christ."  

So, am I toothpaste?  I hope so.  Please forgive my crazy analogies once again... :)

Goodness.

I'm feeling a little outside myself.  No stories.  No silly analogies.  Just me.  And my heart- that currently feels a little like jello.  (Ok, that was a little silly.....but it is more true than any other words that could come out of my mouth at this moment).  

God, are you trying to tell me something here?  Things I have read....heard....and lived the past few days have carried a consistent tone that can not be mistaken.  Who are You, Lord?  Who am I?  

I don't think I can really explain my jello heart.  What I do know, is that I feel like I can see again.  God is good.  He is Good!  His very nature is good.....He is unchanging.  Unchanged by circumstances.  Unchanged by any pain I may endure in my life.  Unchanged by my turning my back on Him.  In a world of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- inside a me of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- it is hard for me to wrap my mind around His constancy.  He is good.  Always. 

I want to be enveloped in His goodness.  His kindness.  His mercy.  To know fully, deep in my heart the hope of the eternal reward I have in Him.  That this is not where it ends- there is more.  There is SO MUCH MORE! 

Every now and then I hear a song whose lyrics resonate with my heart better than any I could write my own.  Here is a chorus from a song I learned recently...

So I throw my life upon all that You are

'Cause I know You gave it all for me

And when all else fades my soul will dance...with You

Where the love lasts forever....

I can not help but think of throwing my arms around Christ and holding tight with all that I am to who He is....knowing that He will never let me go.  Knowing that no matter the struggles, the trials, and the challenges, when all is said and done....I will dwell in His continuous love, forever. 

God, You are good.  

Lightbulb Times

So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go for what I'm sure will be an oh-so-glorious run....after eating fajitas whose spice reminds me of a date I had in college where the guy accidentally dumped an entire bottle of cayenne pepper into our spaghetti sauce.  Awesome.  And boom........... I know it's cliche, but if I were blessed enough to be a character in a Looney Toons show right now, a huge lightbulb would have just exploded above my head.

You see, it's not what I thought.  Life, that is.  As a child, I remember praying that I could go to Disneyland everyday when I grew up.  I wanted to ride the Matterhorn over and over again.....get lost in a fantasy world with Peter Pan....and of course, marry Mickey Mouse.  Well, Peter and I have never met, I haven't ridden the Matterhorn in years, and my husband's name is Nic.  (Sorry Mickey, I think he has won me over!)  The reality is, life is just not as simple as spinning teacups and dancing bears.  Life is.....well- just downright hard sometimes.  We are thrown into unexpected situations, lose those we love, and struggle with fear.  We are broken, bruised, and downright confused.  

Okay, ready?  The lightbulb is exploding......NOW!  Where did I get the idea that life would be simple?  Easy?  

Here's the deal.  Although I don't like to admit it, I think a part of me has always believed that since I have decided to follow Christ, my life should be easy.  But what I just realized is that the One whom I am attempting to follow...the One whom I want my life to exemplify....is the One who has endured more scorn and neglect than any other.  Christ has sacrificed it all, even His life.  If it is my goal to live my life in a way that reflects His, wouldn't it make sense that my life would also include suffering and sacrifice?

The awesome part is- Christ's suffering was not in vain.  Through His suffering we can now live in the hope that we have been reconciled with the Father and are counted blameless.  Through His momentary pain...we are granted eternal life.  I believe that in the same way, any suffering or sacrifice I may encounter can bring glory to the Father.  May it draw me ever closer to Him....and may it bring joy to the life of others.  And then, boom:  sweet verse..

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Awesome. I can't wait to get home.

arpshakdkth

Hmmm. True. Full. Broken. Lost. Joy. Change. Love. Hurt. Starting Over. Confusion. Excitement. Pain. Numbness. Passion. Praise. Relationships. Alone. Future. Loss. Transition. Faith. Anxiety. Hope. Family. Peace. Direction. Sickness. Kindness. Death. Open. Patience. Trials. Prayer. Fear. Turning Away. Life. Newness. Friends. Crazy. Taken. Sympathy. Worry. Past. Worship. Fake. Quiet. Gladness. Trouble. Confinement. Treasure. Despair. Closure. Leadership. Challenge. Difficulty. Frustration. Hardship. Struggle. Confidence. Comfort. Redemption. Security. Strength. Courage. Hope. Unconditional Love. Freedom!

Well, I think that pretty much sums it up.

I am home.

Do you ever feel like you're just stuck in the middle? Like you just don't fit in anywhere?  As if you are the only square surrounded by circles.......the only blue in a sea of red.......the only reeses pieces that 'accidentally' fell into the M&M blizzard? (which, by the way, I could seriously go for right now)  

The past year of my life has been full of transition- personally and relationally, as well as through moves, changes in living situations, job changes, financial changes, and family changes. And while I generally welcome change with open arms and a huge smile (Ahhh heck I'll be honest- I'm often the one chasing change down!), there is one overarching emotion that seems to describe the state of my heart over this past year: I just feel displaced.  I feel like I've lost my way- lost that comfort zone where I know who I am, I know my role, and I know I belong. 

A few moments ago, I dragged my weary legs up the stairs after returning home from a semi-long training run.  Unfortunately I have not yet convinced myself that I love to run, so I am often stuck with the task of trying to entertain my mind just long enough to forget about the grueling task at hand.   This past year was the topic interesting enough to distract me today. My mind continuously sifted through the past year's events- the images...the conversations...and the circumstances.  Being the extreme over-analyzer that I am, I soon became frustrated by the level of uncertainty I perceive in my life.  And of course, as fate would have it........just at this very moment I was stopped by a not-so-cordial security officer, telling me that because I did not own one of the buildings within the retail park next to which I was running, I did NOT belong there and I could NEVER run there again.  "Gee," I thought to myself, "I really don't seem to belong anywhere!"

For a moment, I let myself wallow in the pity that comes from convincing yourself that the grass was actually greener on the FIRST side of the fence. (Or in my case, I just missed the comfort of certainty, of knowing where I belonged).  I stopped running per the officer's request, and started my walk home.  Frustrated, tired, and broken......half praying/half talking to myself.....I was reminded of these words...

"In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Christ Jesus, in accordance with his pleasure and will, to the praise of His glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One He loves......In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, may be for the praise of His glory." (Ephesians 1:5-6, 11-12).

And I realized, I DO have certainty.  I DO belong.  I am home.  It's funny how easily we can be consumed by what we perceive as necessity, and I am the queen of over-analyzing and worrying. When in reality, the security and purpose that I have in Christ is far greater than any instability or feelings of displacement I may experience here.  I am blessed to be a part of something so much bigger.  Tonight....if you are feeling like that lone Reese's pieces.....know that you DO have a part.....that you do belong.  And remember, if you don't own the building around which you are running, don't go. :)

Run Free

Some may call me crazy.  Some may call me dedicated.  Some may even applaud me for my efforts at "getting in shape".  In reality, I am nothing but a stubborn, competitive girl who refuses to surrender to the idea that there is something I simply can not complete.  Yes, I have recently started training for a half marathon.  If you have read any of my posts below, then you know that I am not doing this because my heart is consumed with the passion that exudes from each shin-splitting stride, or each calf-busting blow.  Running and I have been at odds for longer than I can remember- and the truth is, I spend almost every step of every mile simply trying anything I can think of to distract myself from the horribly boring and painful task at hand.  Yes, I hate running.  With a passion.  So why am I subjecting myself to something so terrible as the half-marathon? 

Two Things.  1- Pride.  I would be lying if I didn't say that a significant part of my motivation comes from the fact that running is something I have never really been able to conquer, and I don't like to give in to a challenge. 

2.  Although an insane desire to win my war with running has sufficed as a starting point for my training, there is no doubt in my mind that my half-marathon hopes would be short-lived if it wasn't for one more thing: freedom.  

I can not explain the freedom that is experienced after a run- no matter the duration.  It is as if, for a time, I have surrendered myself to the road and its effects.  But as soon as I reach the end, as soon as I take those last steps, a weight is lifted and I am free.  I am at peace, and I can rest easy.  

Have you ever played would you rather?  Sure, it can be fun. But in my experience, it often turns into a quest to discover each person's opinion of the least-tortuous of  tortuous experiences.  For example, " Would you rather die by freezing do death, or Chinese water torture?"  Ok seriously, both bad!  How we can spend so much time amusing ourselves with such questions is beyond me.  Well, if someone were to ask me a Would You Rather question involving such scenarios, I can tell you right now that the most tortuous experience I can imagine is being forced to run a race that has no end.  Running....and running....and running....and never getting anywhere?  Never getting to experience the incredible freedom that comes with finishing a race.  

My brain is jumbled.  But as I sit here with aching muscles and sore knees, I am thankful that my race has an end.  I believe that so many of us, myself included at times, are being forced to run a race that never ends.  We get caught in the race of the world...running, and running, and running...hoping that someday, our running will get us somewhere.  What we don't realize is that we have already been offered the chance to experience the freedom that comes from rest and conquering a race.  The problem is, we often don't realize we are running in the first place until our legs give out.  My heart aches for those who can't see the finish line, who haven't yet realized that they are running.  I pray that they see that they don't have to run anymore.  That there is rest.  

"It is for freedom that Christ set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  - Galatians 5:1

Everything

"Everything's Alright" by Charlie Hall. 

Seems like a good place to be- me walking with you, you walking with me

Me feeling pain and you bringing peace

And everything is alright

Seems like a sweet, sweet thing

For you to whisper to me, and me to call out Your name

Me falling down to see your love remains

And everything is alright/

Everything's alright, everything's alright

Everything's alright, everything is alright...

Everything, everything's alright

Seems like a nice thing to think of

Just to sit and think on your love

Me feeling empty, You filling me up

And everything is alright

Seems like a fine thing to wait on

Your love always sings a sweet song

Eyes on heaven, hands up- my heart longs

Come and take me home

Oh, Your sweet love is coming down

To put me up on solid ground

Where the cross is firm, man.

Everythng's alright, everything's alright

Everything's alright, everything is alright

Everything, everything's alright.

'Nuff said.

One Thing.

No matter what happened yesterday.  No matter what happens tomorrow.  No matter the pain, the joy, the confusion.......the mistakes, the successes, and the moments you wish you could forget. After all is said and done, there is but one thing. 

"All of life, comes down to just one thing- and that's to know you Oh, Jesus...and to make you known."

Bandaid Days

Have you ever left a band-aid on for too long?  Maybe you meant to change it out before you went to sleep....or maybe you were on a trip where you couldn't take a shower for a few days and the fact that you had a nasty, infection-prone wound managed to escape the corners of your mind. Whatever your story (C'mon, we all know you've done it), I'm sure you remember the moment you finally mustered up enough guts to dislodge that glorious strip of plasticky fabric from your skin.  As if band-aids weren't difficult enough to remove already, you can be sure that the arduous adhesive with which your band-aid is fashioned will no doubt utilize its extended lifespan to grow nothing but stronger. 

No matter how bad the band-aid needs to come off...no matter how bad the wound needs to breathe in fresh air in order to heal...there is always a moment of extreme tension immediately before said 3-day-old band-aid is removed.  Why?  Because no matter how much we need to heal, we will always wince at the thought of the inevitable pain (however brief it may be) that is a necessary predecessor to healing. 

Today, I had a few long-standing band-aids ripped off.  There are corners of my heart that have been wounded for some time now.  And while I knew....I knew deep within me that the only way healing could begin would be to remove them...it has taken both a significant amount of time and the blessing of relational accountability to give me the guts to remove them.  Or, rather, to allow the Lord to remove them.  And while the pain of removal is no doubt substantial, I have rest in knowing that even my deepest wounds can now begin to breathe...can now begin to heal. 

I pray that if you are reading this with open wounds....with band-aids that need to be removed, that you will have the strength to rip them off. That you will be able to push back the momentary pain in order to experience the healing that can only come with openness and a little fresh air. 

A Panoramic View

I am thankful.  Really, truly thankful.  It's funny how often we analyze our lives and think, "well, if only this didn't happen this way... or if only I could have had that, or done that.  There isn't hardly a day that goes by when I don't question why things are they way things are in my life.  Why did that happen to me?  Why did things have to turn out that way? Why did he hurt me like that?  And most of all, why does such an incredible God allow such crazy things to happen in my life?  This evening, I was reminded of the answer.  Three simply words:  I don't know. 

The truth is, there is hardly an immediate answer for why things are the way they are.  If we knew why things happened the way they do, it seems as though someone, somewhere would be making millions from their new best-seller "Prevent the Inevitable Craziness of Your Life Before it Becomes Inevitable"...or something like that.  I'll be honest- if such a thing existed, you can be sure it would be on my top shelf.  

But let's step back for a moment.  When choosing to see my life in a more "panoramic" view, I have slowly been able to piece together the "whys" of my life.  I believe that Caedmon's call says it best in a few lines of one of my all-time favorite songs, "Lead of Love":

Looking back I know you had to bring me through

All that I was, so afraid of

Though I questioned the sky, now I see why

I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view

Looking back- I see the lead of Love

Although we rarely realize it at the time, the "whys" of today just might be the ah-ha moments of tomorrow.  As I reflect on my life, I can't help but see the Lord's wonderful lead of love woven throughout my circumstances.  Although failures, hurtful relationships, and emotional struggles have left scars, it is these scars that have made me who I am.  I have been broken and I have been wounded.  I have lost friends, lost faith, and lost hope.  At times it seemed I had lost it all........but I have never lost the love of Christ.  And it is through these scars that I have been drawn to Him and his unconditional love, and it is with these scars that I pray I may share this love and hope with others.  

So today, I am thankful.  I am thankful for the reminder that my life is bigger than me.  That I don't need to know all the answers right now.  So go ahead.  Pull out that panoramic picture of your life.  It just might surprise you. 

Today, I am Lucy.

This is my mom's dog Lucy.  This picture exemplified perfectly how I feel today: relaxed, carefree, and ready to play.  Let's get this party started.

25 things...

I loved getting chain mail as a kid.  I would marvel at the idea of passing around silly thoughts, recipes, dares, etc....only to see if I would again receive them in return.  Today's chain mail takes a different form, and while there are probably better things I could often do with my time, every now and then I get the urge to indulge in my secret love for all things trivial, and pass some along myself.   I decided against the now-traditional method of writing a note and tagging people on facebook- partly because most of the people I would tag have already done this and therefore passing it along to them in order for them to pass it back to me again would be pointless.  And partly because I think there are times when thoughts are better understood when they are separated from the chain.  And so here we are.   And for those of you who have tagged me (and for those of you who haven't), here are my 25 things.  

1. There is a question that has plagued my mind for years.  What if everyone really has the same favorite color?  Like what if what looks like red to me looks like yellow to you, but it is really the same color? After all, we learn to recognize color according to what WE see.  Thoughts?

2. One of my greatest strengths is that I dream big.  This is also one of my greatest weaknesses.

3.  I have recently realized that I am not nearly as spontaneous as I think I am.  Sure, I am still up for a last-minute weekend trip, bowl of ice cream or all-nighter, but honestly, I want to have every long-term detail of my life planed out.

4. There are so many things I want to do with my life that sometimes I get disappointed when i think that I won't be able to accomplish them all.  For a short list, read my posts below.

5.  I wore some black shoes out today and spent a good amount of time sloshing around in them in the half water/half ice world outside.  Now my feet are black.  And it won't come off.  I think they need to test the color-fastness a little better!

6.  I laugh at myself all the time. My mind cooks up some pretty funny things!

7.  If I could spend a day doing anything it would be sitting with a good friend  and talking.  Relationships are so important to me and I absolutely love digging into the lives of others.  

8.  There are very few things in life that I am afraid of.  At the top of the list: Not making a difference.

9.  I talk too much.  I often cut people off and say things when nothing really needs to be said.  If I have done this to you, I am sorry.  I promise I am trying to work on it. 

10.  The first pet that I ever asked my parents for was a billy goat.  I never got one.

11. I really want to run a marathon.  Definitely not because I love to run, but because running has long been an enemy of mine and I really want to win the war.  

12.  There are times I wish I had been born in another culture.  I love the United States and feel blessed for all I have- but long for the joy in simplicity I have seen in other cultures I have had the privilege to be a part of.

13. I wish I had never quit piano lessons.  My mom always told me I would say that someday.  

14.  When on my first solo airplane flight in jr. high, I sat next to the man who won the gold medal in archery at the olympics.  Or so he says.  I have not yet been able to find archery on tv while the Olympics is on.  

15.  I love my dogs.  Someday I want to have a huge yard so that I can be a doggy foster mom.

16.  Some of my best hours have been spent sitting in the bathroom alone....with my guitar....worshipping my Father.  I know the bathroom is an unlikely place, but it is my spot.

17.  I wish I had spent more time with my siblings growing up.  I know I missed out on some great things.

18.  I am still a little kid at heart.  Coloring, macaroni and cheese, and disney movies still make me happy.  I hope I never grow out of it.

19.  I hate feet.  

20.  I could eat ice cream all day, every day, and never get tired of it.  Or sick.  I love my strong stomach!

21.  I still remember what I wore on my first day of Kindergarten.  A bright yellow sweatsuit with a pink and blue emblem on the front.  It was glorious.

22.  I was never very good at selling magazines for fundraisers in elementary school, and was always jealous of the kids whose parents just sold them to all of their friends so they could get big prizes.

23.  Someday, I will own a yellow car.

24.  I chew on the inside of my lip a lot.  It's annoying, but I can't stop doing it.

25.  I have but one candle to burn, and I'd rather burn it in a land dying in darkness than in one flooded with lights.  

So, there you are my friends!  A little piece of my mind, a little piece of my heart.  And of course, a little bit of randomness.  You are a blessing. 

   

Brighter.....

Time keeps moving on

Through the sunshine and the storm

And my dreams are set in stone

And someday I'll be who I want to be

For now I'll wait

For the sun to shine again

And for now I'll wait

For the rain to pass away

And I'm looking for the brighter days

When all my hurts seem to fade away

And I'm looking for the brighter days to come my way

Faces come and faces go

But none seem to look my way

And walls have stood and walls have fallen

But my heart seems to wait

For now I'll sit at the end of the road

And for now I'll wait

At the end of the pathway

I'll see the sun one day shine upon me

I'll see the sun one day

And watch the nighttime turn to morning

But for now it all comes back around

No....I didn't write it, it's a Leeland song.  :)  And today, my brain is capable of nothing more than praying for the brighter days- than holding on tightly to the incredible hope I have found....and hopefully, through prayer and grace, sharing this hope with others.  I want to be the love for those who have nothing more than the end of the road.  I want to be an unmistakable light.  I want to live for more than comfort, more than for myself.  There is more than this....there are brighter days ahead. 

Hot Air Balloons and Large Tips

For those of you who know me, it is no surprise that I consider myself to be a big dreamer.  And while I definitely do have some crazy dreams at night while I'm comfortably cocooned by my electric blanket, this is not exactly what I'm going for here.  I think big.  Outside the box.  Outside of rationality and simplicity.  And sometimes....outside of my reach.  It is both my greatest strength, and my most monumental weakness.  

I want to learn to fly.  (Literally, but just a plane would be nice too).  I want to jump into a giant pool of noodles, no mater how nasty everyone says it will be.  I want to live in Australia, at least for a brief amount of time.  In fact, I would like to spend at least 5 years of my life living outside the bounds of this wonderful nation I have grown to know as my home.  I want to go hot-air ballooning over the Grand Canyon.  I want to bike across the nation.  I want to plant a church.  I want to run a marathon- if for no other reason than running is an arch enemy of mine and I want to win the war.  I want to live in a teeny town somewhere out west and go to the same restaurant every day for breakfast just so I can leave my favorite waitress a 10, 15, or even 20 thousand dollar tip.  I want to own my own business.  I want to buy a house for a family who needs it- and I don't want them to ever know it was me.  I want to live on the streets.....if only for a week, just so I can better understand the hearts of those who are not as fortunate as I.   I want to live in Arizona.  I want to learn to love completely and 100% unconditionally.  I.....want to make a difference.

I believe that life is about so much more than being comfortable.  I decided long ago that the white picket fence life was not for me.  Life is so much bigger.  What terrifies me most is the thought that I will become so comfortable with my life- my job, my relationships, my lifestyle- that I will be too afraid to leave.  Too afraid to experience new things.  Too afraid of a challenge.  Too afraid of not having enough money or not having enough friends. 

From time to time, I experience a certain degree of ridicule from friends and family members because of my dreaminess.  It is easy for me to get completely caught up in an idea or a dream...and every now and then I do need a healthy dose of reality to bring me down out of the clouds.  But on the other hand, I believe that dreams can come true.   Sure- they may not always be easy, and they may not always be practical.  But they can be reality. If we didn't ever follow our dreams, would we have cars?  cell phones?  Pizza?  Sure, the question seems trivial, but if someone didn't follow their dreams- these things would not exist.  If dreams were not sought after, relationships would be different.  Governments would be different.  Companies, products, healthcare......everything would be different!  I am not saying these things to try and justify my outlandish dreaming behavior (I'll take a picture of the Grand Canyon for you from my hot air balloon) but to suggest to you that there may be more to living than just living.  Don't sell yourself short.  Make your dreams your reality.   Experience Life.  Make a Difference. Have no Regrets.

How vs. Why

I have been reading a book lately that has me thinking more and more about the 'why' questions of this life. The finite world that we live in has us so caught up in the "how" of things- so much so that this one simple word often controls more than we know, maybe even our entire lives. How am I going to make enough money...how am I going to show her how I feel...how am I going to impress my boss...how am I going to get him to love me back...how am I going to be happy? How am I going to make it? It is these questions that leave us searching for a formula- some version of 1+1=2 that will immediately and effortlessly give us the perfect solution to all of life's "how" questions. There's one problem: In life, 1+1 doesn't always equal 2.

I myself have spent countless hours searching for such a solution to my own 'how' questions, and after years of failed attempts, Ive decided that I'm done. Finished. Through. My search has come to an end. It is this inevitable failure that has brought me to this point where I am today. And as I sit here pondering my many failed attempts at formulizing my life, I realize that it was never the 'how'questions that were important at all. Deep underneath the mess of life, there is a question that will unearth the true reasons we feel the need to ask the 'how' questions in the first place. One word: Why? The truth is, this simple question is often too painful to ask, and even more painful to answer. Consider these questions in lieu of the 'how' questions above.....Why am I so focused on money.....why do I feel the need to impress everyone....why doesn't he love me...Why aren't I happy? Why....am I even here?

And so, it starts. Why am I here today......exposing my thoughts to the never ending black hole that is the internet? Is it because I have too much free time? Nope. Is it because my life is so interesting as to merit reading from passers-by? Nope. Is it becacuse I just really like to share my thoughts? Haha, maybe. Truly, it is to examine this question of why....to process and vent and think and share....and hopefully come to a greater understanding our awesome God and His plans for us. Why don't you join me?