Clenched Tight

Tonight has left me feeling a little melancholy.  Why do things have to be the way they are?  Why the heartache…the brokenness…the insecurities?  The torn relationships?  Just…..why?  Generally I could convince myself to see the brighter side- to focus on the positive.  But tonight, I cling to nothing but the truth that the Lord is in control- and when all is said and done, I will be dancing with Him in eternity.

The truth is, tonight, I am hurt.  By situations that turned out differently than I planned.  By relationships that have turned out differently than I planned.  By words, constantly played over and over again in my mind….most of which may not have even been intended to hurt.  Still, my heart aches.  I’m frustrated by the pressure of expectations and knowing that no matter how hard I try, I will never fulfill them all.  I will always be failing in some aspect- I will always be letting somebody down.  Disappointing someone.  Frustrating someone. 

I am a girl that struggles with letting go.  With letting others down.  With admitting that I am not in control, and that I can not do it on my own.  With admitting that I simply can’t do it all- and that really, I don’t want to do it all.   I will hold my fists clenched tight until each finger is pulled away.  Even at that, I will grasp wildly with any last effort to retain my grip on anything I can.  I…am stubborn.

The irony is that in my seemingly never-ending quest for change and adventure, I have discovered that it is change I struggle with most of all.  Hurts, changing relationships, words spoken, new challenges, and personal failures- all things I struggle with opening my fists for.

I just re-read my previous post a few minutes ago, and decided to repost some of it here.   I need a reminder…

The truth is, life is rarely what we think it is.  I've learned to laugh at myself- to laugh at the thought that I have ever felt in control.  That I have thought it is all about me.  Because the reality is- I am no more in control of my life than the Royals are going to win the world series.  Right?  And you know what?  I am ok with that.  Truly, honestly, 110%, lickety-split, finger-lickin good to the last drop ok with that.  Have I always been ok with that?  Definitely not.  Will I be ok with that tomorrow?  I pray to the Lord for strength enough to lay my life at His feet.  

 Because you see, the buck doesn't stop with me.  There is more.  There is so much more.  And fortunately, the One who is in control has a panoramic view.  And knowing that He has a panoramic view- knowing that He sees my heart and knows exactly what I need...knowing that His purpose, His plans, and His story are greater than anything I could ever fathom- makes it ok.  

 If there is one thing in life we can be certain of, it is uncertainty. What's incredible is that even in the midst of our uncertainty, we can be Certain that there is One who is certain about all.....and that He is the One who holds our lives in His hands.  

 A friend reminded me of this verse in an email this week.  It could not be more true:

 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

 And what I've realized lately is that I am so beyond grateful that it is the Lord who determines my steps.  That it is He who charts the course.  Because even if I don't have a panoramic lens,  I am constantly amazed at His ability to outplan me.  To provide.  And to create a story greater than any I could create on my own.   So go ahead.  Embrace the uncertainty with a smile on your face and with open arms......and cling to the truth that you, my friend, are being held by the One who will never let go. 

Honestly, tonight I am struggling to be ok with this.  I am here with clenched fists and a heavy heart. But still, I cling to that truth.  That I AM being held by the One who will NEVER let go.  Who will NEVER leave……who will love me in spite of my failures and use my failures for His glory.  And I pray that He will pry open my hands and take it- take it all!  And I pray that He will replace it with His plan…and that His story will be my purpose, regardless of who I may let down on this earth.  Because His story, my friends, is enough.  Is more than enough.  He is more than enough!