Change...

Hi friends! As these past few sunny days have reminded me that spring is just around the corner....I am reminded that change, however awkward and difficult it may sometimes be, is a good thing!  Woot!  So....I have moved my blog to a new address:

http://becausejustmaybe.blogspot.com/

Would love for you to visit me there! God bless and happy hopes for spring. :)

CONFESSIONS: I am a Liar

Alright, here is the truth. I am not who you think I am. When you see me, when you look at me- however intently- what you are seeing is rarely me. Why? Because I am a liar. A good one. In fact, I have become a completely exceptional practitioner of the craft. But I have realized something lately. When I experience even the greatest successes in my trade, I have no one to share them with. I am left with nothing but my own thoughts that were, until recently, generally apathetic towards this newly discovered truth about myself.

Unfortunately, I believe I have become so accustomed to strapping a mask on each morning that I hardly realized the lies that have permeated my life. Most of what I am talking about is not the larger-than-life lies that one might associate with movie plots. I have not stolen someone’s identity, burned a friend’s house down or helped to hide a friend from the law. Nope. Most of my lies may seem rather boring and commonplace. They are the little white lies you tell someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. They are the times you say “yes” when everything within you is screaming “no!” because you are looking for approval. They are the smiles you wear when your insides are bursting- just because you want to demonstrate the appearance that ‘everything is ok.’ It is saying, “no, I didn’t do that” when you really did just to avoid the possibility of a petty argument which would likely not occur anyway. These are the things I am talking about. These are the things that I have too long ignored, the ones that my heart has been broken over.

But there is one lie that stands out above the rest. Whose presence is woven throughout my life more than any other. And this is that my life often does not reflect what my words say I am about. I confess with my mouth that I love the Lord, that I desire more than anything to love Him and to do His will, yet I live selfishly. My words tell of my desire to see others as if they were Christ, yet I gripe and gripe at the person who is walking too slow in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I say that I believe giving is important, yet I live in incredible excess! I say that I want to help the poor, yet I secretly resent those who cannot support themselves and attribute what I consider to be their “failures” to a lack of determination or laziness. I am called to love without strings attached. Yet I often find myself loving only in situations where the possibility of earthly benefit exists. What I am doing? I am living a lie.

Matthew 5:37 “Simply let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no’; anything beyond this is from the evil one.” Am I living in this way? Or am I strapping on a mask to hide the truth? John 14:15: “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” Hold up! For some reason, this simple verse that I have read countless times before has recently developed a new significance in my life. If I love the Lord…..if I truly love Him, I will not simply speak about His word and about His calling- I will live it! I will obey! This means that when I am commanded to love the poor, I must love the poor! It is so much more than a suggestion, as in “oh, if you have time, it would be really great if you could be nice to the poor man down the street.” Nope….I am indeed commanded to love the poor! In the same way, I am told not to be anxious about anything! Again, this is not a suggestion that, “oh, I know you are going through a lot right now and things are hard, but try not to worry, ok?” Nope….God said “Do not be anxious about anything.” Whew! My mind blowin’ up!

And so I lay this out in front of you. Why? Because this is the true me! And my heart is changing. In new ways. Ways I didn’t know existed. And I want you to know that you are not alone! We are all in this together. And that, my friends, is something I am beyond grateful for!!!

These are My Confessions...

Aight’ y’all, bust out the Usher…. ‘cause these are my confessions! “Just when I thought I said all I could say…” Yes, I am aware of my complete and utter ridiculousness… but what would life be without it? You see, in the past few months, I have learned to appreciate the rawness of life. To see it for what it is….to see myself for the reality of what and who I am. And then…..and I am so thankful that there is an and then…to lay the shadowbox of the Lord’s incredible goodness and grace over the mess I have made in order to decipher what really matters.

As I attempt to continue to unpack this mind-bottling (yep, bottling…as in the words of Will Ferrel- because my thoughts feel like they are trapped in a bottle!) expedition of mine, I have realized that I am not the only one on this journey! There are countless others (you, perhaps) who are trudging through the same muddy waters as I am. And so….I have decided to share parts of my journey with you. And if you find yourself to be one of the many who is sharing in this journey with me, may you take heart in knowing that there is someone who is wading alongside you.

And as I think about where to begin…I simply can’t think of a better place than at the beginning. With who I am. So go ahead, cue Usher again…

It's Been Awhile......

and life continues. Of all the words I could speak, there are but a few that have continued to ring true. And that is that He is Enough. He is ENOUGH! When you drop your gummy bear in the dirt, He is enough. When you fall UP the stairs and scrape your knee, He is enough. When someone slams their car door into yours in the Wal-Mart parking lot, He is enough. When you lose the bracelet your grandmother left to you, He is enough. When friendships change, He is enough. When you realize that you have but $11 in your bank account, He is enough. When you lose a friend.....when you lose family, He is enough. When you experience loss so great even grieving seems impossible, He is enough. When your heart breaks as you experience pain for those you love....and you feel hopeless to change it, He is enough. When you wonder and question and worry- He is enough. He is enough. He is ENOUGH!

Precious....and Important.

"Mr. Ron, Miss Debbie is gon' need to be careful. You see, when you is precious to God you become important to the devil. Watch your back, Mr. Ron. Somethin' bad gettin' ready to happen to Miss Debbie. The thief comes in the night."

I recently read an incredible book that tells the true story of an unlikely friendship between a homeless man and a wealthy art dealer that blossomed into a relationship that brought healing to both....and to many others along the way. Check it out if you haven't read it- it is called Same Kind of Different as Me and can be found here: http://www.samekindofdifferentasme.com/ . The picture here is of it's two authors who are also the main characters in the story....the ones between whom the conversation above is occurring...

As I have continued on my own journey since reading this book, I have often found myself returning to it's pages as I am reminded continually of the little tidbits of wisdom found in its chapters. The statement above is no exception.

I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of a wonderful church family here at Fellowship Bible Church of Northwest Arkansas. Recently, we embarked on a 50-day journey called Draw Near. It is one during which we each commit, to the Lord and to each other, to taking time each of the following 50 days to intentionally connect with the Lord. This is done through personal study of Scripture, prayer, worship, and meeting together in community- of which I have recently been reminded is a non-negotiable in the discipleship process.

We are currently about two weeks into this journey, and I have loved hearing about and reading the stories of the individuals who have chosen to throw their lives into this challenge. James 4:8 tells us that if we draw near to God He will draw near to us...and this, my friends, is what is happening. The Lord is faithful, and I can not wait to continue this adventure!

Something else has been brought to my attention throughout the past week. As I have listened to the stories of those who have decided to draw near, there are several threads that I believe have been woven into the fabric of this experience. I have heard about growing faith, restoring repentance, and overwhelming joy. I have experienced true worship, authentic community, and incredible love. However, there is also a thread that I have become painstakingly aware of that was not expected. One that was not asked for. And one....to be honest....I wish did not have a place in this experience.

The thread: pain. Amidst the incredible mountain-top stories of triumph and joy, several valleys have been deepened. Valleys that tell the stories of sickness, betrayal, loss, and hopelessness. Of persecution. Of desertion. Of pain. And while it is not my natural tendency to focus on the valleys, I have realized that, during this experience- these stories are just as important! You see, I believe what Denver said. That "when you is precious to God, you become important to the devil." While I do not claim to know whether these new struggles and hurts have arisen due to the church's "preciousness" to God as we attempt to Draw Near, I would suggest that maybe- just maybe- the devil sees something going on in NWA that he does not like. That scares the pee out of him. Just maybe. And that, my friends, may be the most incredible story of all!

As I have had several conversations regarding this the past few days, both with great friends and within my own mind, I have also come to realize something greater. Could these valleys, this unwanted thread, be a test of our faith...a test whose results will prove a genuine faith, one that will result in nothing but the praise, honor, and glory of our Father? 1 Peter 1:6-7 says:

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Shoot- if this is the truth, then let's party on! Let's rejoice in the trials ahead. Let's jump at the chance to make the devil pee his pants when he realizes his fire will only refine us further. If we are tired of singing, let's worship anyway! If we are tired of praying, let's pray anyway! If our eyes are so tired from crying that we just don't think we can keep them open any longer- let's jump into His Word anyway! And when we do, we may do so with the confidence that comes from knowing He will meet us where we are...from knowing that He will, indeed, draw near.

Limping...with a full heart.

ajfjialskjdfhsniocelksht. ajlificnallisrthslsorng. Precisely. Do you ever feel like your heart is just going to explode? Like there is just so much that you want to share.....that you wish you could somehow transfer into the hearts of those you love just so they could know the passion with which you are living this very moment? Because I wish.......I wish that you could be living inside my heart right now. Yes, you. Because there is something I want you to know. To feel. And to wrap your life around.

Many circumstances in the past year of my life have been.....well, a little tricky. Uncertain. Unstable. But tonight, that is so not the point. Looking back, and looking inward, I have realized that the hardest thing to accept is not the situational predicaments of this past year. No, it is the way in which I have succumbed to the fear and anxiety in response to these events. These are often the most difficult hurdles to jump, and the ones whose injuries cut the deepest. I have struggled silently for far too long with this fear- with this lack of faith that has proved detrimental to my friendships, my family relationships, and most importantly...my relationship with the Lord.

But the hang-ups that my struggle with this anxiety has caused are not the point. You see, I've come to realize that the pain is never the point. Nope. The point...the amazing point that has captured my heart, brought me to tears and invited me to sing, is that the freedom and grace that is offered through the Lord's redemption so much bigger than my pain. SO much bigger than my anxiety. Than my fear.

The truth is, all of us are walking with a distinctive limp toward the finish line. We have all been broken, bruised, and have dealt with hidden struggles. There are times when we all wonder if we will make it. Honestly, there have been times in the past year when even a limp has been impossible for me. And there have been times that the Lord has extended His hand to me- and I have rejected it. But the incredible truth that I have come to realize is that He will never stop reaching down for me. And when I finally decide to muster enough strength to lift my hand up to His, the strength and peace that are offered overcome my heart and I realize that I have been doing it all wrong. I am not meant to limp alone.

I have been limping alone for far too long. This is it- my solo travels end here. I have finally realized that we are all broken, that this is ok, and that He is bigger. He is bigger! And the strength that comes from believing that...truly believing that is overpowering. I invite you to recognize with me that it is ok that we are limping. But more than that, I invite you to reach up and take the hand that is waiting for you...and I pray that your heart is just as captivated as mine.

Clenched Tight

Tonight has left me feeling a little melancholy.  Why do things have to be the way they are?  Why the heartache…the brokenness…the insecurities?  The torn relationships?  Just…..why?  Generally I could convince myself to see the brighter side- to focus on the positive.  But tonight, I cling to nothing but the truth that the Lord is in control- and when all is said and done, I will be dancing with Him in eternity.

The truth is, tonight, I am hurt.  By situations that turned out differently than I planned.  By relationships that have turned out differently than I planned.  By words, constantly played over and over again in my mind….most of which may not have even been intended to hurt.  Still, my heart aches.  I’m frustrated by the pressure of expectations and knowing that no matter how hard I try, I will never fulfill them all.  I will always be failing in some aspect- I will always be letting somebody down.  Disappointing someone.  Frustrating someone. 

I am a girl that struggles with letting go.  With letting others down.  With admitting that I am not in control, and that I can not do it on my own.  With admitting that I simply can’t do it all- and that really, I don’t want to do it all.   I will hold my fists clenched tight until each finger is pulled away.  Even at that, I will grasp wildly with any last effort to retain my grip on anything I can.  I…am stubborn.

The irony is that in my seemingly never-ending quest for change and adventure, I have discovered that it is change I struggle with most of all.  Hurts, changing relationships, words spoken, new challenges, and personal failures- all things I struggle with opening my fists for.

I just re-read my previous post a few minutes ago, and decided to repost some of it here.   I need a reminder…

The truth is, life is rarely what we think it is.  I've learned to laugh at myself- to laugh at the thought that I have ever felt in control.  That I have thought it is all about me.  Because the reality is- I am no more in control of my life than the Royals are going to win the world series.  Right?  And you know what?  I am ok with that.  Truly, honestly, 110%, lickety-split, finger-lickin good to the last drop ok with that.  Have I always been ok with that?  Definitely not.  Will I be ok with that tomorrow?  I pray to the Lord for strength enough to lay my life at His feet.  

 Because you see, the buck doesn't stop with me.  There is more.  There is so much more.  And fortunately, the One who is in control has a panoramic view.  And knowing that He has a panoramic view- knowing that He sees my heart and knows exactly what I need...knowing that His purpose, His plans, and His story are greater than anything I could ever fathom- makes it ok.  

 If there is one thing in life we can be certain of, it is uncertainty. What's incredible is that even in the midst of our uncertainty, we can be Certain that there is One who is certain about all.....and that He is the One who holds our lives in His hands.  

 A friend reminded me of this verse in an email this week.  It could not be more true:

 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

 And what I've realized lately is that I am so beyond grateful that it is the Lord who determines my steps.  That it is He who charts the course.  Because even if I don't have a panoramic lens,  I am constantly amazed at His ability to outplan me.  To provide.  And to create a story greater than any I could create on my own.   So go ahead.  Embrace the uncertainty with a smile on your face and with open arms......and cling to the truth that you, my friend, are being held by the One who will never let go. 

Honestly, tonight I am struggling to be ok with this.  I am here with clenched fists and a heavy heart. But still, I cling to that truth.  That I AM being held by the One who will NEVER let go.  Who will NEVER leave……who will love me in spite of my failures and use my failures for His glory.  And I pray that He will pry open my hands and take it- take it all!  And I pray that He will replace it with His plan…and that His story will be my purpose, regardless of who I may let down on this earth.  Because His story, my friends, is enough.  Is more than enough.  He is more than enough!