Goodness.

I'm feeling a little outside myself.  No stories.  No silly analogies.  Just me.  And my heart- that currently feels a little like jello.  (Ok, that was a little silly.....but it is more true than any other words that could come out of my mouth at this moment).  

God, are you trying to tell me something here?  Things I have read....heard....and lived the past few days have carried a consistent tone that can not be mistaken.  Who are You, Lord?  Who am I?  

I don't think I can really explain my jello heart.  What I do know, is that I feel like I can see again.  God is good.  He is Good!  His very nature is good.....He is unchanging.  Unchanged by circumstances.  Unchanged by any pain I may endure in my life.  Unchanged by my turning my back on Him.  In a world of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- inside a me of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- it is hard for me to wrap my mind around His constancy.  He is good.  Always. 

I want to be enveloped in His goodness.  His kindness.  His mercy.  To know fully, deep in my heart the hope of the eternal reward I have in Him.  That this is not where it ends- there is more.  There is SO MUCH MORE! 

Every now and then I hear a song whose lyrics resonate with my heart better than any I could write my own.  Here is a chorus from a song I learned recently...

So I throw my life upon all that You are

'Cause I know You gave it all for me

And when all else fades my soul will dance...with You

Where the love lasts forever....

I can not help but think of throwing my arms around Christ and holding tight with all that I am to who He is....knowing that He will never let me go.  Knowing that no matter the struggles, the trials, and the challenges, when all is said and done....I will dwell in His continuous love, forever. 

God, You are good.  

Lightbulb Times

So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go for what I'm sure will be an oh-so-glorious run....after eating fajitas whose spice reminds me of a date I had in college where the guy accidentally dumped an entire bottle of cayenne pepper into our spaghetti sauce.  Awesome.  And boom........... I know it's cliche, but if I were blessed enough to be a character in a Looney Toons show right now, a huge lightbulb would have just exploded above my head.

You see, it's not what I thought.  Life, that is.  As a child, I remember praying that I could go to Disneyland everyday when I grew up.  I wanted to ride the Matterhorn over and over again.....get lost in a fantasy world with Peter Pan....and of course, marry Mickey Mouse.  Well, Peter and I have never met, I haven't ridden the Matterhorn in years, and my husband's name is Nic.  (Sorry Mickey, I think he has won me over!)  The reality is, life is just not as simple as spinning teacups and dancing bears.  Life is.....well- just downright hard sometimes.  We are thrown into unexpected situations, lose those we love, and struggle with fear.  We are broken, bruised, and downright confused.  

Okay, ready?  The lightbulb is exploding......NOW!  Where did I get the idea that life would be simple?  Easy?  

Here's the deal.  Although I don't like to admit it, I think a part of me has always believed that since I have decided to follow Christ, my life should be easy.  But what I just realized is that the One whom I am attempting to follow...the One whom I want my life to exemplify....is the One who has endured more scorn and neglect than any other.  Christ has sacrificed it all, even His life.  If it is my goal to live my life in a way that reflects His, wouldn't it make sense that my life would also include suffering and sacrifice?

The awesome part is- Christ's suffering was not in vain.  Through His suffering we can now live in the hope that we have been reconciled with the Father and are counted blameless.  Through His momentary pain...we are granted eternal life.  I believe that in the same way, any suffering or sacrifice I may encounter can bring glory to the Father.  May it draw me ever closer to Him....and may it bring joy to the life of others.  And then, boom:  sweet verse..

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Awesome. I can't wait to get home.

arpshakdkth

Hmmm. True. Full. Broken. Lost. Joy. Change. Love. Hurt. Starting Over. Confusion. Excitement. Pain. Numbness. Passion. Praise. Relationships. Alone. Future. Loss. Transition. Faith. Anxiety. Hope. Family. Peace. Direction. Sickness. Kindness. Death. Open. Patience. Trials. Prayer. Fear. Turning Away. Life. Newness. Friends. Crazy. Taken. Sympathy. Worry. Past. Worship. Fake. Quiet. Gladness. Trouble. Confinement. Treasure. Despair. Closure. Leadership. Challenge. Difficulty. Frustration. Hardship. Struggle. Confidence. Comfort. Redemption. Security. Strength. Courage. Hope. Unconditional Love. Freedom!

Well, I think that pretty much sums it up.

I am home.

Do you ever feel like you're just stuck in the middle? Like you just don't fit in anywhere?  As if you are the only square surrounded by circles.......the only blue in a sea of red.......the only reeses pieces that 'accidentally' fell into the M&M blizzard? (which, by the way, I could seriously go for right now)  

The past year of my life has been full of transition- personally and relationally, as well as through moves, changes in living situations, job changes, financial changes, and family changes. And while I generally welcome change with open arms and a huge smile (Ahhh heck I'll be honest- I'm often the one chasing change down!), there is one overarching emotion that seems to describe the state of my heart over this past year: I just feel displaced.  I feel like I've lost my way- lost that comfort zone where I know who I am, I know my role, and I know I belong. 

A few moments ago, I dragged my weary legs up the stairs after returning home from a semi-long training run.  Unfortunately I have not yet convinced myself that I love to run, so I am often stuck with the task of trying to entertain my mind just long enough to forget about the grueling task at hand.   This past year was the topic interesting enough to distract me today. My mind continuously sifted through the past year's events- the images...the conversations...and the circumstances.  Being the extreme over-analyzer that I am, I soon became frustrated by the level of uncertainty I perceive in my life.  And of course, as fate would have it........just at this very moment I was stopped by a not-so-cordial security officer, telling me that because I did not own one of the buildings within the retail park next to which I was running, I did NOT belong there and I could NEVER run there again.  "Gee," I thought to myself, "I really don't seem to belong anywhere!"

For a moment, I let myself wallow in the pity that comes from convincing yourself that the grass was actually greener on the FIRST side of the fence. (Or in my case, I just missed the comfort of certainty, of knowing where I belonged).  I stopped running per the officer's request, and started my walk home.  Frustrated, tired, and broken......half praying/half talking to myself.....I was reminded of these words...

"In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Christ Jesus, in accordance with his pleasure and will, to the praise of His glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One He loves......In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, may be for the praise of His glory." (Ephesians 1:5-6, 11-12).

And I realized, I DO have certainty.  I DO belong.  I am home.  It's funny how easily we can be consumed by what we perceive as necessity, and I am the queen of over-analyzing and worrying. When in reality, the security and purpose that I have in Christ is far greater than any instability or feelings of displacement I may experience here.  I am blessed to be a part of something so much bigger.  Tonight....if you are feeling like that lone Reese's pieces.....know that you DO have a part.....that you do belong.  And remember, if you don't own the building around which you are running, don't go. :)