Limping...with a full heart.

ajfjialskjdfhsniocelksht. ajlificnallisrthslsorng. Precisely. Do you ever feel like your heart is just going to explode? Like there is just so much that you want to share.....that you wish you could somehow transfer into the hearts of those you love just so they could know the passion with which you are living this very moment? Because I wish.......I wish that you could be living inside my heart right now. Yes, you. Because there is something I want you to know. To feel. And to wrap your life around.

Many circumstances in the past year of my life have been.....well, a little tricky. Uncertain. Unstable. But tonight, that is so not the point. Looking back, and looking inward, I have realized that the hardest thing to accept is not the situational predicaments of this past year. No, it is the way in which I have succumbed to the fear and anxiety in response to these events. These are often the most difficult hurdles to jump, and the ones whose injuries cut the deepest. I have struggled silently for far too long with this fear- with this lack of faith that has proved detrimental to my friendships, my family relationships, and most importantly...my relationship with the Lord.

But the hang-ups that my struggle with this anxiety has caused are not the point. You see, I've come to realize that the pain is never the point. Nope. The point...the amazing point that has captured my heart, brought me to tears and invited me to sing, is that the freedom and grace that is offered through the Lord's redemption so much bigger than my pain. SO much bigger than my anxiety. Than my fear.

The truth is, all of us are walking with a distinctive limp toward the finish line. We have all been broken, bruised, and have dealt with hidden struggles. There are times when we all wonder if we will make it. Honestly, there have been times in the past year when even a limp has been impossible for me. And there have been times that the Lord has extended His hand to me- and I have rejected it. But the incredible truth that I have come to realize is that He will never stop reaching down for me. And when I finally decide to muster enough strength to lift my hand up to His, the strength and peace that are offered overcome my heart and I realize that I have been doing it all wrong. I am not meant to limp alone.

I have been limping alone for far too long. This is it- my solo travels end here. I have finally realized that we are all broken, that this is ok, and that He is bigger. He is bigger! And the strength that comes from believing that...truly believing that is overpowering. I invite you to recognize with me that it is ok that we are limping. But more than that, I invite you to reach up and take the hand that is waiting for you...and I pray that your heart is just as captivated as mine.

Clenched Tight

Tonight has left me feeling a little melancholy.  Why do things have to be the way they are?  Why the heartache…the brokenness…the insecurities?  The torn relationships?  Just…..why?  Generally I could convince myself to see the brighter side- to focus on the positive.  But tonight, I cling to nothing but the truth that the Lord is in control- and when all is said and done, I will be dancing with Him in eternity.

The truth is, tonight, I am hurt.  By situations that turned out differently than I planned.  By relationships that have turned out differently than I planned.  By words, constantly played over and over again in my mind….most of which may not have even been intended to hurt.  Still, my heart aches.  I’m frustrated by the pressure of expectations and knowing that no matter how hard I try, I will never fulfill them all.  I will always be failing in some aspect- I will always be letting somebody down.  Disappointing someone.  Frustrating someone. 

I am a girl that struggles with letting go.  With letting others down.  With admitting that I am not in control, and that I can not do it on my own.  With admitting that I simply can’t do it all- and that really, I don’t want to do it all.   I will hold my fists clenched tight until each finger is pulled away.  Even at that, I will grasp wildly with any last effort to retain my grip on anything I can.  I…am stubborn.

The irony is that in my seemingly never-ending quest for change and adventure, I have discovered that it is change I struggle with most of all.  Hurts, changing relationships, words spoken, new challenges, and personal failures- all things I struggle with opening my fists for.

I just re-read my previous post a few minutes ago, and decided to repost some of it here.   I need a reminder…

The truth is, life is rarely what we think it is.  I've learned to laugh at myself- to laugh at the thought that I have ever felt in control.  That I have thought it is all about me.  Because the reality is- I am no more in control of my life than the Royals are going to win the world series.  Right?  And you know what?  I am ok with that.  Truly, honestly, 110%, lickety-split, finger-lickin good to the last drop ok with that.  Have I always been ok with that?  Definitely not.  Will I be ok with that tomorrow?  I pray to the Lord for strength enough to lay my life at His feet.  

 Because you see, the buck doesn't stop with me.  There is more.  There is so much more.  And fortunately, the One who is in control has a panoramic view.  And knowing that He has a panoramic view- knowing that He sees my heart and knows exactly what I need...knowing that His purpose, His plans, and His story are greater than anything I could ever fathom- makes it ok.  

 If there is one thing in life we can be certain of, it is uncertainty. What's incredible is that even in the midst of our uncertainty, we can be Certain that there is One who is certain about all.....and that He is the One who holds our lives in His hands.  

 A friend reminded me of this verse in an email this week.  It could not be more true:

 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

 And what I've realized lately is that I am so beyond grateful that it is the Lord who determines my steps.  That it is He who charts the course.  Because even if I don't have a panoramic lens,  I am constantly amazed at His ability to outplan me.  To provide.  And to create a story greater than any I could create on my own.   So go ahead.  Embrace the uncertainty with a smile on your face and with open arms......and cling to the truth that you, my friend, are being held by the One who will never let go. 

Honestly, tonight I am struggling to be ok with this.  I am here with clenched fists and a heavy heart. But still, I cling to that truth.  That I AM being held by the One who will NEVER let go.  Who will NEVER leave……who will love me in spite of my failures and use my failures for His glory.  And I pray that He will pry open my hands and take it- take it all!  And I pray that He will replace it with His plan…and that His story will be my purpose, regardless of who I may let down on this earth.  Because His story, my friends, is enough.  Is more than enough.  He is more than enough!  

The Certainty of Uncertainty...

It's funny how much joy can come from something small.   Yesterday, I was lucky enough to get to have lunch with my cousin at a local Mexican restaurant.  As we were dishing out the cash for our Mexican feast, we noticed an unusual old-school vending machine.  You know- 25 cents and a quarter turn to the right......and voila!  A prize so great it will warm even the coldest of hearts. The peculiarity of this particular machine rested in it's contents.  No, there were no gumballs to be found.  No plastic rings in sight.  This machine was boasting something greater.  I searched frantically through my wallet for the necessary monetary means, and as I pulled a quarter from my purse, my face crinkled until I couldn't help but smile.  Money in.....a quarter turn to the right....and.........

I was amazed.  Dumbfounded.  Overwhelmed by the ingeniousness of the idea. Who knew that you could change your entire look with just 50 cents?  Nea was next...

Incredible.  These little mustaches have brought joy to my heart and let me drop my guard a little after a few crazy weeks.  I will cherish them always.  :)

The past few weeks have been a little crazy indeed.   A blur.  Yet there are immeasurable amounts of details from recent events that I can not remove from my mind.  Words....faces.....voices.....surroundings.  Ah, life sure is a conundrummy conundrum, isn't it? 

The truth is, life is rarely what we think it is.  I've learned to laugh at myself- to laugh at the thought that I have ever felt in control.  That I have thought it is all about me.  Because the reality is- I am no more in control of my life than the Royals are going to win the world series.  Right?  And you know what?  I am ok with that.  Truly, honestly, 110%, lickety-split, finger-lickin good to the last drop ok with that.  Have I always been ok with that?  Definitely not.  Will I be ok with that tomorrow?  I pray to the Lord for strength enough to lay my life at His feet.  

Because you see, the buck doesn't stop with me.  There is more.  There is so much more.   And fortunately, the One who is in control has a panoramic view.  And knowing that He has a panoramic view- knowing that He sees my heart and knows exactly what I need...knowing that His purpose, His plans, and His story are greater than anything I could ever fathom- makes it ok.  

If there is one thing in life we can be certain of, it is uncertainty. What's incredible is that even in the midst of our uncertainty, we can be Certain that there is One who is certain about all.....and that He is the One who holds our lives in His hands.  

A friend reminded me of this verse in an email this week.  It could not be more true:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

And what I've realized lately is that I am so beyond grateful that it is the Lord who determines my steps.  That it is He who charts the course.  Because even if I don't have a panoramic lens,  I am constantly amazed at His ability to outplan me.  To provide.  And to create a story greater than any I could create on my own.   So go ahead.  Embrace the uncertainty with a smile on your face and with open arms......and cling to the truth that you, my friend, are being held by the One who will never let go. 

 

Hug.

A friend passed this on to me today.....and it so resonated with my heart.  Thought I'd pass it on too...

I read about how you touched them and they were healed...

Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed.
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears...
And you washed your best friend’s feet.
I am just wondering though-did you just ever hug people?

I mean, I know that it is a silly question and all... I am sure you would have. Why wouldn’t you?
But its one of those things that was never mentioned, and that got me thinking about it.

And how whenever there was a touch from you,  sins were forgiven and sickness fell. 
I know you have forgiven my sins, and the last time I checked all my body parts were properly working. Nothing special here.
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets.

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything...
because all I really need is a hug. 
That is ok for me to imagine right?
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology, is it?
Ok good... then hug me.

But not one of these sideways one arm around the neck type hugs....
Or the ghetto right-hand, clasp-fists, elbows to chest, pit pat on the back-back kind of hug...
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing.
Nah, none of those

Bear Hug Me!

Take your old-school carpenter arms...and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere to where I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard.

And just hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry.... because
I WANT to cry... but I just can’t seem to do it on my own.
I have even been teary eyed recently, but not even enough for a drip down my cheek.
There's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged...so hug me....and hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and I am Yours. 

-Bradley Hathaway

Am I toothpaste?

This week has been a crazy blur.  Insane busyness, blessed conversations, and lots of learning.  Tonight, I was reminded of an illustration I used a few years ago while teaching about the condition of the heart.  It may be a little cheesy, but bear with me here...

So much of our society these days is consumed with image- how we appear to those around us. What we look like, how we act- how we are perceived.  And whether we realize it or not, most of us probably have an image in our minds of how we would like to be perceived by others.  Beautiful?  Popular?  Athletic?  Generous? Powerful?  These are just a few things.  We may even alter the way we dress, the way we speak, the careers we choose or the people we surround ourselves with in order to be perceived in a certain way.  The way that we think we should be perceived....the way we want to be perceived.   

Of course, there is nothing wrong with perception in and of itself, it is only natural to discern characteristics of others based on their behaviors.  The trouble arises when we decide that how we are perceived is more important than who we truly are.  When the focus becomes the external rather than the internal.  You see, it is possible for a time to convince others that we are something other than what we are.  The key is...for a time.

Take a tube of toothpaste for example.  It looks like a tube of toothpaste.  It comes in a box that says toothpaste on it.  Heck, it even says toothpaste right on the tube!  Why would you believe there was anything but toothpaste inside that tube?  But what if....when you squeezed that tube....mud came out?  Well obviously if that really happened it would freak me out- I mean seriously who would want to brush their teeth with mud?  

While it's a silly example, this is life.  It is so easy for us to get caught up in our image- in what we appear to be rather than who we actually are.  You see, we may want everyone to think we are toothpaste.  We may look like it, feel like it, and act like it.  But inevitably there will come a time when we are squeezed....when we are tested, and the mud that is really inside our tube will come out.  

I know I sound crazy talking about toothpaste, but the picture is so clear to me. It's like this with my heart.  I want to be the real deal.  I don't want to just say that I love the Lord....that I want to follow Him.....and that He is my everything.  I want my heart to be pure.  Generous.  Giving.  When I am squeezed, when I am tested- I want nothing but His love to pour out.  My desire is that I would be able to say without hesitation... as Paul said..."Follow Me as I follow Christ."  

So, am I toothpaste?  I hope so.  Please forgive my crazy analogies once again... :)

Goodness.

I'm feeling a little outside myself.  No stories.  No silly analogies.  Just me.  And my heart- that currently feels a little like jello.  (Ok, that was a little silly.....but it is more true than any other words that could come out of my mouth at this moment).  

God, are you trying to tell me something here?  Things I have read....heard....and lived the past few days have carried a consistent tone that can not be mistaken.  Who are You, Lord?  Who am I?  

I don't think I can really explain my jello heart.  What I do know, is that I feel like I can see again.  God is good.  He is Good!  His very nature is good.....He is unchanging.  Unchanged by circumstances.  Unchanged by any pain I may endure in my life.  Unchanged by my turning my back on Him.  In a world of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- inside a me of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- it is hard for me to wrap my mind around His constancy.  He is good.  Always. 

I want to be enveloped in His goodness.  His kindness.  His mercy.  To know fully, deep in my heart the hope of the eternal reward I have in Him.  That this is not where it ends- there is more.  There is SO MUCH MORE! 

Every now and then I hear a song whose lyrics resonate with my heart better than any I could write my own.  Here is a chorus from a song I learned recently...

So I throw my life upon all that You are

'Cause I know You gave it all for me

And when all else fades my soul will dance...with You

Where the love lasts forever....

I can not help but think of throwing my arms around Christ and holding tight with all that I am to who He is....knowing that He will never let me go.  Knowing that no matter the struggles, the trials, and the challenges, when all is said and done....I will dwell in His continuous love, forever. 

God, You are good.  

Lightbulb Times

So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go for what I'm sure will be an oh-so-glorious run....after eating fajitas whose spice reminds me of a date I had in college where the guy accidentally dumped an entire bottle of cayenne pepper into our spaghetti sauce.  Awesome.  And boom........... I know it's cliche, but if I were blessed enough to be a character in a Looney Toons show right now, a huge lightbulb would have just exploded above my head.

You see, it's not what I thought.  Life, that is.  As a child, I remember praying that I could go to Disneyland everyday when I grew up.  I wanted to ride the Matterhorn over and over again.....get lost in a fantasy world with Peter Pan....and of course, marry Mickey Mouse.  Well, Peter and I have never met, I haven't ridden the Matterhorn in years, and my husband's name is Nic.  (Sorry Mickey, I think he has won me over!)  The reality is, life is just not as simple as spinning teacups and dancing bears.  Life is.....well- just downright hard sometimes.  We are thrown into unexpected situations, lose those we love, and struggle with fear.  We are broken, bruised, and downright confused.  

Okay, ready?  The lightbulb is exploding......NOW!  Where did I get the idea that life would be simple?  Easy?  

Here's the deal.  Although I don't like to admit it, I think a part of me has always believed that since I have decided to follow Christ, my life should be easy.  But what I just realized is that the One whom I am attempting to follow...the One whom I want my life to exemplify....is the One who has endured more scorn and neglect than any other.  Christ has sacrificed it all, even His life.  If it is my goal to live my life in a way that reflects His, wouldn't it make sense that my life would also include suffering and sacrifice?

The awesome part is- Christ's suffering was not in vain.  Through His suffering we can now live in the hope that we have been reconciled with the Father and are counted blameless.  Through His momentary pain...we are granted eternal life.  I believe that in the same way, any suffering or sacrifice I may encounter can bring glory to the Father.  May it draw me ever closer to Him....and may it bring joy to the life of others.  And then, boom:  sweet verse..

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Awesome. I can't wait to get home.