Bandaid Days

Have you ever left a band-aid on for too long?  Maybe you meant to change it out before you went to sleep....or maybe you were on a trip where you couldn't take a shower for a few days and the fact that you had a nasty, infection-prone wound managed to escape the corners of your mind. Whatever your story (C'mon, we all know you've done it), I'm sure you remember the moment you finally mustered up enough guts to dislodge that glorious strip of plasticky fabric from your skin.  As if band-aids weren't difficult enough to remove already, you can be sure that the arduous adhesive with which your band-aid is fashioned will no doubt utilize its extended lifespan to grow nothing but stronger. 

No matter how bad the band-aid needs to come off...no matter how bad the wound needs to breathe in fresh air in order to heal...there is always a moment of extreme tension immediately before said 3-day-old band-aid is removed.  Why?  Because no matter how much we need to heal, we will always wince at the thought of the inevitable pain (however brief it may be) that is a necessary predecessor to healing. 

Today, I had a few long-standing band-aids ripped off.  There are corners of my heart that have been wounded for some time now.  And while I knew....I knew deep within me that the only way healing could begin would be to remove them...it has taken both a significant amount of time and the blessing of relational accountability to give me the guts to remove them.  Or, rather, to allow the Lord to remove them.  And while the pain of removal is no doubt substantial, I have rest in knowing that even my deepest wounds can now begin to breathe...can now begin to heal. 

I pray that if you are reading this with open wounds....with band-aids that need to be removed, that you will have the strength to rip them off. That you will be able to push back the momentary pain in order to experience the healing that can only come with openness and a little fresh air. 

A Panoramic View

I am thankful.  Really, truly thankful.  It's funny how often we analyze our lives and think, "well, if only this didn't happen this way... or if only I could have had that, or done that.  There isn't hardly a day that goes by when I don't question why things are they way things are in my life.  Why did that happen to me?  Why did things have to turn out that way? Why did he hurt me like that?  And most of all, why does such an incredible God allow such crazy things to happen in my life?  This evening, I was reminded of the answer.  Three simply words:  I don't know. 

The truth is, there is hardly an immediate answer for why things are the way they are.  If we knew why things happened the way they do, it seems as though someone, somewhere would be making millions from their new best-seller "Prevent the Inevitable Craziness of Your Life Before it Becomes Inevitable"...or something like that.  I'll be honest- if such a thing existed, you can be sure it would be on my top shelf.  

But let's step back for a moment.  When choosing to see my life in a more "panoramic" view, I have slowly been able to piece together the "whys" of my life.  I believe that Caedmon's call says it best in a few lines of one of my all-time favorite songs, "Lead of Love":

Looking back I know you had to bring me through

All that I was, so afraid of

Though I questioned the sky, now I see why

I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view

Looking back- I see the lead of Love

Although we rarely realize it at the time, the "whys" of today just might be the ah-ha moments of tomorrow.  As I reflect on my life, I can't help but see the Lord's wonderful lead of love woven throughout my circumstances.  Although failures, hurtful relationships, and emotional struggles have left scars, it is these scars that have made me who I am.  I have been broken and I have been wounded.  I have lost friends, lost faith, and lost hope.  At times it seemed I had lost it all........but I have never lost the love of Christ.  And it is through these scars that I have been drawn to Him and his unconditional love, and it is with these scars that I pray I may share this love and hope with others.  

So today, I am thankful.  I am thankful for the reminder that my life is bigger than me.  That I don't need to know all the answers right now.  So go ahead.  Pull out that panoramic picture of your life.  It just might surprise you. 

Today, I am Lucy.

This is my mom's dog Lucy.  This picture exemplified perfectly how I feel today: relaxed, carefree, and ready to play.  Let's get this party started.

25 things...

I loved getting chain mail as a kid.  I would marvel at the idea of passing around silly thoughts, recipes, dares, etc....only to see if I would again receive them in return.  Today's chain mail takes a different form, and while there are probably better things I could often do with my time, every now and then I get the urge to indulge in my secret love for all things trivial, and pass some along myself.   I decided against the now-traditional method of writing a note and tagging people on facebook- partly because most of the people I would tag have already done this and therefore passing it along to them in order for them to pass it back to me again would be pointless.  And partly because I think there are times when thoughts are better understood when they are separated from the chain.  And so here we are.   And for those of you who have tagged me (and for those of you who haven't), here are my 25 things.  

1. There is a question that has plagued my mind for years.  What if everyone really has the same favorite color?  Like what if what looks like red to me looks like yellow to you, but it is really the same color? After all, we learn to recognize color according to what WE see.  Thoughts?

2. One of my greatest strengths is that I dream big.  This is also one of my greatest weaknesses.

3.  I have recently realized that I am not nearly as spontaneous as I think I am.  Sure, I am still up for a last-minute weekend trip, bowl of ice cream or all-nighter, but honestly, I want to have every long-term detail of my life planed out.

4. There are so many things I want to do with my life that sometimes I get disappointed when i think that I won't be able to accomplish them all.  For a short list, read my posts below.

5.  I wore some black shoes out today and spent a good amount of time sloshing around in them in the half water/half ice world outside.  Now my feet are black.  And it won't come off.  I think they need to test the color-fastness a little better!

6.  I laugh at myself all the time. My mind cooks up some pretty funny things!

7.  If I could spend a day doing anything it would be sitting with a good friend  and talking.  Relationships are so important to me and I absolutely love digging into the lives of others.  

8.  There are very few things in life that I am afraid of.  At the top of the list: Not making a difference.

9.  I talk too much.  I often cut people off and say things when nothing really needs to be said.  If I have done this to you, I am sorry.  I promise I am trying to work on it. 

10.  The first pet that I ever asked my parents for was a billy goat.  I never got one.

11. I really want to run a marathon.  Definitely not because I love to run, but because running has long been an enemy of mine and I really want to win the war.  

12.  There are times I wish I had been born in another culture.  I love the United States and feel blessed for all I have- but long for the joy in simplicity I have seen in other cultures I have had the privilege to be a part of.

13. I wish I had never quit piano lessons.  My mom always told me I would say that someday.  

14.  When on my first solo airplane flight in jr. high, I sat next to the man who won the gold medal in archery at the olympics.  Or so he says.  I have not yet been able to find archery on tv while the Olympics is on.  

15.  I love my dogs.  Someday I want to have a huge yard so that I can be a doggy foster mom.

16.  Some of my best hours have been spent sitting in the bathroom alone....with my guitar....worshipping my Father.  I know the bathroom is an unlikely place, but it is my spot.

17.  I wish I had spent more time with my siblings growing up.  I know I missed out on some great things.

18.  I am still a little kid at heart.  Coloring, macaroni and cheese, and disney movies still make me happy.  I hope I never grow out of it.

19.  I hate feet.  

20.  I could eat ice cream all day, every day, and never get tired of it.  Or sick.  I love my strong stomach!

21.  I still remember what I wore on my first day of Kindergarten.  A bright yellow sweatsuit with a pink and blue emblem on the front.  It was glorious.

22.  I was never very good at selling magazines for fundraisers in elementary school, and was always jealous of the kids whose parents just sold them to all of their friends so they could get big prizes.

23.  Someday, I will own a yellow car.

24.  I chew on the inside of my lip a lot.  It's annoying, but I can't stop doing it.

25.  I have but one candle to burn, and I'd rather burn it in a land dying in darkness than in one flooded with lights.  

So, there you are my friends!  A little piece of my mind, a little piece of my heart.  And of course, a little bit of randomness.  You are a blessing. 

   

Brighter.....

Time keeps moving on

Through the sunshine and the storm

And my dreams are set in stone

And someday I'll be who I want to be

For now I'll wait

For the sun to shine again

And for now I'll wait

For the rain to pass away

And I'm looking for the brighter days

When all my hurts seem to fade away

And I'm looking for the brighter days to come my way

Faces come and faces go

But none seem to look my way

And walls have stood and walls have fallen

But my heart seems to wait

For now I'll sit at the end of the road

And for now I'll wait

At the end of the pathway

I'll see the sun one day shine upon me

I'll see the sun one day

And watch the nighttime turn to morning

But for now it all comes back around

No....I didn't write it, it's a Leeland song.  :)  And today, my brain is capable of nothing more than praying for the brighter days- than holding on tightly to the incredible hope I have found....and hopefully, through prayer and grace, sharing this hope with others.  I want to be the love for those who have nothing more than the end of the road.  I want to be an unmistakable light.  I want to live for more than comfort, more than for myself.  There is more than this....there are brighter days ahead. 

Hot Air Balloons and Large Tips

For those of you who know me, it is no surprise that I consider myself to be a big dreamer.  And while I definitely do have some crazy dreams at night while I'm comfortably cocooned by my electric blanket, this is not exactly what I'm going for here.  I think big.  Outside the box.  Outside of rationality and simplicity.  And sometimes....outside of my reach.  It is both my greatest strength, and my most monumental weakness.  

I want to learn to fly.  (Literally, but just a plane would be nice too).  I want to jump into a giant pool of noodles, no mater how nasty everyone says it will be.  I want to live in Australia, at least for a brief amount of time.  In fact, I would like to spend at least 5 years of my life living outside the bounds of this wonderful nation I have grown to know as my home.  I want to go hot-air ballooning over the Grand Canyon.  I want to bike across the nation.  I want to plant a church.  I want to run a marathon- if for no other reason than running is an arch enemy of mine and I want to win the war.  I want to live in a teeny town somewhere out west and go to the same restaurant every day for breakfast just so I can leave my favorite waitress a 10, 15, or even 20 thousand dollar tip.  I want to own my own business.  I want to buy a house for a family who needs it- and I don't want them to ever know it was me.  I want to live on the streets.....if only for a week, just so I can better understand the hearts of those who are not as fortunate as I.   I want to live in Arizona.  I want to learn to love completely and 100% unconditionally.  I.....want to make a difference.

I believe that life is about so much more than being comfortable.  I decided long ago that the white picket fence life was not for me.  Life is so much bigger.  What terrifies me most is the thought that I will become so comfortable with my life- my job, my relationships, my lifestyle- that I will be too afraid to leave.  Too afraid to experience new things.  Too afraid of a challenge.  Too afraid of not having enough money or not having enough friends. 

From time to time, I experience a certain degree of ridicule from friends and family members because of my dreaminess.  It is easy for me to get completely caught up in an idea or a dream...and every now and then I do need a healthy dose of reality to bring me down out of the clouds.  But on the other hand, I believe that dreams can come true.   Sure- they may not always be easy, and they may not always be practical.  But they can be reality. If we didn't ever follow our dreams, would we have cars?  cell phones?  Pizza?  Sure, the question seems trivial, but if someone didn't follow their dreams- these things would not exist.  If dreams were not sought after, relationships would be different.  Governments would be different.  Companies, products, healthcare......everything would be different!  I am not saying these things to try and justify my outlandish dreaming behavior (I'll take a picture of the Grand Canyon for you from my hot air balloon) but to suggest to you that there may be more to living than just living.  Don't sell yourself short.  Make your dreams your reality.   Experience Life.  Make a Difference. Have no Regrets.

How vs. Why

I have been reading a book lately that has me thinking more and more about the 'why' questions of this life. The finite world that we live in has us so caught up in the "how" of things- so much so that this one simple word often controls more than we know, maybe even our entire lives. How am I going to make enough money...how am I going to show her how I feel...how am I going to impress my boss...how am I going to get him to love me back...how am I going to be happy? How am I going to make it? It is these questions that leave us searching for a formula- some version of 1+1=2 that will immediately and effortlessly give us the perfect solution to all of life's "how" questions. There's one problem: In life, 1+1 doesn't always equal 2.

I myself have spent countless hours searching for such a solution to my own 'how' questions, and after years of failed attempts, Ive decided that I'm done. Finished. Through. My search has come to an end. It is this inevitable failure that has brought me to this point where I am today. And as I sit here pondering my many failed attempts at formulizing my life, I realize that it was never the 'how'questions that were important at all. Deep underneath the mess of life, there is a question that will unearth the true reasons we feel the need to ask the 'how' questions in the first place. One word: Why? The truth is, this simple question is often too painful to ask, and even more painful to answer. Consider these questions in lieu of the 'how' questions above.....Why am I so focused on money.....why do I feel the need to impress everyone....why doesn't he love me...Why aren't I happy? Why....am I even here?

And so, it starts. Why am I here today......exposing my thoughts to the never ending black hole that is the internet? Is it because I have too much free time? Nope. Is it because my life is so interesting as to merit reading from passers-by? Nope. Is it becacuse I just really like to share my thoughts? Haha, maybe. Truly, it is to examine this question of why....to process and vent and think and share....and hopefully come to a greater understanding our awesome God and His plans for us. Why don't you join me?