The Certainty of Uncertainty...

It's funny how much joy can come from something small.   Yesterday, I was lucky enough to get to have lunch with my cousin at a local Mexican restaurant.  As we were dishing out the cash for our Mexican feast, we noticed an unusual old-school vending machine.  You know- 25 cents and a quarter turn to the right......and voila!  A prize so great it will warm even the coldest of hearts. The peculiarity of this particular machine rested in it's contents.  No, there were no gumballs to be found.  No plastic rings in sight.  This machine was boasting something greater.  I searched frantically through my wallet for the necessary monetary means, and as I pulled a quarter from my purse, my face crinkled until I couldn't help but smile.  Money in.....a quarter turn to the right....and.........

I was amazed.  Dumbfounded.  Overwhelmed by the ingeniousness of the idea. Who knew that you could change your entire look with just 50 cents?  Nea was next...

Incredible.  These little mustaches have brought joy to my heart and let me drop my guard a little after a few crazy weeks.  I will cherish them always.  :)

The past few weeks have been a little crazy indeed.   A blur.  Yet there are immeasurable amounts of details from recent events that I can not remove from my mind.  Words....faces.....voices.....surroundings.  Ah, life sure is a conundrummy conundrum, isn't it? 

The truth is, life is rarely what we think it is.  I've learned to laugh at myself- to laugh at the thought that I have ever felt in control.  That I have thought it is all about me.  Because the reality is- I am no more in control of my life than the Royals are going to win the world series.  Right?  And you know what?  I am ok with that.  Truly, honestly, 110%, lickety-split, finger-lickin good to the last drop ok with that.  Have I always been ok with that?  Definitely not.  Will I be ok with that tomorrow?  I pray to the Lord for strength enough to lay my life at His feet.  

Because you see, the buck doesn't stop with me.  There is more.  There is so much more.   And fortunately, the One who is in control has a panoramic view.  And knowing that He has a panoramic view- knowing that He sees my heart and knows exactly what I need...knowing that His purpose, His plans, and His story are greater than anything I could ever fathom- makes it ok.  

If there is one thing in life we can be certain of, it is uncertainty. What's incredible is that even in the midst of our uncertainty, we can be Certain that there is One who is certain about all.....and that He is the One who holds our lives in His hands.  

A friend reminded me of this verse in an email this week.  It could not be more true:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps."  Proverbs 16:9

And what I've realized lately is that I am so beyond grateful that it is the Lord who determines my steps.  That it is He who charts the course.  Because even if I don't have a panoramic lens,  I am constantly amazed at His ability to outplan me.  To provide.  And to create a story greater than any I could create on my own.   So go ahead.  Embrace the uncertainty with a smile on your face and with open arms......and cling to the truth that you, my friend, are being held by the One who will never let go. 

 

Hug.

A friend passed this on to me today.....and it so resonated with my heart.  Thought I'd pass it on too...

I read about how you touched them and they were healed...

Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed.
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears...
And you washed your best friend’s feet.
I am just wondering though-did you just ever hug people?

I mean, I know that it is a silly question and all... I am sure you would have. Why wouldn’t you?
But its one of those things that was never mentioned, and that got me thinking about it.

And how whenever there was a touch from you,  sins were forgiven and sickness fell. 
I know you have forgiven my sins, and the last time I checked all my body parts were properly working. Nothing special here.
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets.

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything...
because all I really need is a hug. 
That is ok for me to imagine right?
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology, is it?
Ok good... then hug me.

But not one of these sideways one arm around the neck type hugs....
Or the ghetto right-hand, clasp-fists, elbows to chest, pit pat on the back-back kind of hug...
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing.
Nah, none of those

Bear Hug Me!

Take your old-school carpenter arms...and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere to where I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard.

And just hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry.... because
I WANT to cry... but I just can’t seem to do it on my own.
I have even been teary eyed recently, but not even enough for a drip down my cheek.
There's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged...so hug me....and hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and I am Yours. 

-Bradley Hathaway

Am I toothpaste?

This week has been a crazy blur.  Insane busyness, blessed conversations, and lots of learning.  Tonight, I was reminded of an illustration I used a few years ago while teaching about the condition of the heart.  It may be a little cheesy, but bear with me here...

So much of our society these days is consumed with image- how we appear to those around us. What we look like, how we act- how we are perceived.  And whether we realize it or not, most of us probably have an image in our minds of how we would like to be perceived by others.  Beautiful?  Popular?  Athletic?  Generous? Powerful?  These are just a few things.  We may even alter the way we dress, the way we speak, the careers we choose or the people we surround ourselves with in order to be perceived in a certain way.  The way that we think we should be perceived....the way we want to be perceived.   

Of course, there is nothing wrong with perception in and of itself, it is only natural to discern characteristics of others based on their behaviors.  The trouble arises when we decide that how we are perceived is more important than who we truly are.  When the focus becomes the external rather than the internal.  You see, it is possible for a time to convince others that we are something other than what we are.  The key is...for a time.

Take a tube of toothpaste for example.  It looks like a tube of toothpaste.  It comes in a box that says toothpaste on it.  Heck, it even says toothpaste right on the tube!  Why would you believe there was anything but toothpaste inside that tube?  But what if....when you squeezed that tube....mud came out?  Well obviously if that really happened it would freak me out- I mean seriously who would want to brush their teeth with mud?  

While it's a silly example, this is life.  It is so easy for us to get caught up in our image- in what we appear to be rather than who we actually are.  You see, we may want everyone to think we are toothpaste.  We may look like it, feel like it, and act like it.  But inevitably there will come a time when we are squeezed....when we are tested, and the mud that is really inside our tube will come out.  

I know I sound crazy talking about toothpaste, but the picture is so clear to me. It's like this with my heart.  I want to be the real deal.  I don't want to just say that I love the Lord....that I want to follow Him.....and that He is my everything.  I want my heart to be pure.  Generous.  Giving.  When I am squeezed, when I am tested- I want nothing but His love to pour out.  My desire is that I would be able to say without hesitation... as Paul said..."Follow Me as I follow Christ."  

So, am I toothpaste?  I hope so.  Please forgive my crazy analogies once again... :)

Goodness.

I'm feeling a little outside myself.  No stories.  No silly analogies.  Just me.  And my heart- that currently feels a little like jello.  (Ok, that was a little silly.....but it is more true than any other words that could come out of my mouth at this moment).  

God, are you trying to tell me something here?  Things I have read....heard....and lived the past few days have carried a consistent tone that can not be mistaken.  Who are You, Lord?  Who am I?  

I don't think I can really explain my jello heart.  What I do know, is that I feel like I can see again.  God is good.  He is Good!  His very nature is good.....He is unchanging.  Unchanged by circumstances.  Unchanged by any pain I may endure in my life.  Unchanged by my turning my back on Him.  In a world of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- inside a me of continuous change, inconsistency, and hypocrisy- it is hard for me to wrap my mind around His constancy.  He is good.  Always. 

I want to be enveloped in His goodness.  His kindness.  His mercy.  To know fully, deep in my heart the hope of the eternal reward I have in Him.  That this is not where it ends- there is more.  There is SO MUCH MORE! 

Every now and then I hear a song whose lyrics resonate with my heart better than any I could write my own.  Here is a chorus from a song I learned recently...

So I throw my life upon all that You are

'Cause I know You gave it all for me

And when all else fades my soul will dance...with You

Where the love lasts forever....

I can not help but think of throwing my arms around Christ and holding tight with all that I am to who He is....knowing that He will never let me go.  Knowing that no matter the struggles, the trials, and the challenges, when all is said and done....I will dwell in His continuous love, forever. 

God, You are good.  

Lightbulb Times

So, I'm sitting here getting ready to go for what I'm sure will be an oh-so-glorious run....after eating fajitas whose spice reminds me of a date I had in college where the guy accidentally dumped an entire bottle of cayenne pepper into our spaghetti sauce.  Awesome.  And boom........... I know it's cliche, but if I were blessed enough to be a character in a Looney Toons show right now, a huge lightbulb would have just exploded above my head.

You see, it's not what I thought.  Life, that is.  As a child, I remember praying that I could go to Disneyland everyday when I grew up.  I wanted to ride the Matterhorn over and over again.....get lost in a fantasy world with Peter Pan....and of course, marry Mickey Mouse.  Well, Peter and I have never met, I haven't ridden the Matterhorn in years, and my husband's name is Nic.  (Sorry Mickey, I think he has won me over!)  The reality is, life is just not as simple as spinning teacups and dancing bears.  Life is.....well- just downright hard sometimes.  We are thrown into unexpected situations, lose those we love, and struggle with fear.  We are broken, bruised, and downright confused.  

Okay, ready?  The lightbulb is exploding......NOW!  Where did I get the idea that life would be simple?  Easy?  

Here's the deal.  Although I don't like to admit it, I think a part of me has always believed that since I have decided to follow Christ, my life should be easy.  But what I just realized is that the One whom I am attempting to follow...the One whom I want my life to exemplify....is the One who has endured more scorn and neglect than any other.  Christ has sacrificed it all, even His life.  If it is my goal to live my life in a way that reflects His, wouldn't it make sense that my life would also include suffering and sacrifice?

The awesome part is- Christ's suffering was not in vain.  Through His suffering we can now live in the hope that we have been reconciled with the Father and are counted blameless.  Through His momentary pain...we are granted eternal life.  I believe that in the same way, any suffering or sacrifice I may encounter can bring glory to the Father.  May it draw me ever closer to Him....and may it bring joy to the life of others.  And then, boom:  sweet verse..

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Awesome. I can't wait to get home.

arpshakdkth

Hmmm. True. Full. Broken. Lost. Joy. Change. Love. Hurt. Starting Over. Confusion. Excitement. Pain. Numbness. Passion. Praise. Relationships. Alone. Future. Loss. Transition. Faith. Anxiety. Hope. Family. Peace. Direction. Sickness. Kindness. Death. Open. Patience. Trials. Prayer. Fear. Turning Away. Life. Newness. Friends. Crazy. Taken. Sympathy. Worry. Past. Worship. Fake. Quiet. Gladness. Trouble. Confinement. Treasure. Despair. Closure. Leadership. Challenge. Difficulty. Frustration. Hardship. Struggle. Confidence. Comfort. Redemption. Security. Strength. Courage. Hope. Unconditional Love. Freedom!

Well, I think that pretty much sums it up.

I am home.

Do you ever feel like you're just stuck in the middle? Like you just don't fit in anywhere?  As if you are the only square surrounded by circles.......the only blue in a sea of red.......the only reeses pieces that 'accidentally' fell into the M&M blizzard? (which, by the way, I could seriously go for right now)  

The past year of my life has been full of transition- personally and relationally, as well as through moves, changes in living situations, job changes, financial changes, and family changes. And while I generally welcome change with open arms and a huge smile (Ahhh heck I'll be honest- I'm often the one chasing change down!), there is one overarching emotion that seems to describe the state of my heart over this past year: I just feel displaced.  I feel like I've lost my way- lost that comfort zone where I know who I am, I know my role, and I know I belong. 

A few moments ago, I dragged my weary legs up the stairs after returning home from a semi-long training run.  Unfortunately I have not yet convinced myself that I love to run, so I am often stuck with the task of trying to entertain my mind just long enough to forget about the grueling task at hand.   This past year was the topic interesting enough to distract me today. My mind continuously sifted through the past year's events- the images...the conversations...and the circumstances.  Being the extreme over-analyzer that I am, I soon became frustrated by the level of uncertainty I perceive in my life.  And of course, as fate would have it........just at this very moment I was stopped by a not-so-cordial security officer, telling me that because I did not own one of the buildings within the retail park next to which I was running, I did NOT belong there and I could NEVER run there again.  "Gee," I thought to myself, "I really don't seem to belong anywhere!"

For a moment, I let myself wallow in the pity that comes from convincing yourself that the grass was actually greener on the FIRST side of the fence. (Or in my case, I just missed the comfort of certainty, of knowing where I belonged).  I stopped running per the officer's request, and started my walk home.  Frustrated, tired, and broken......half praying/half talking to myself.....I was reminded of these words...

"In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Christ Jesus, in accordance with his pleasure and will, to the praise of His glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One He loves......In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, may be for the praise of His glory." (Ephesians 1:5-6, 11-12).

And I realized, I DO have certainty.  I DO belong.  I am home.  It's funny how easily we can be consumed by what we perceive as necessity, and I am the queen of over-analyzing and worrying. When in reality, the security and purpose that I have in Christ is far greater than any instability or feelings of displacement I may experience here.  I am blessed to be a part of something so much bigger.  Tonight....if you are feeling like that lone Reese's pieces.....know that you DO have a part.....that you do belong.  And remember, if you don't own the building around which you are running, don't go. :)